Second Thoughts

I'm having second thoughts about my cell phone, about always being available. In a practical sense, it makes me feel safe in case I need to reach someone in an emergency; working on horseback in the mountains miles away from civilization it feels more like a necessity than a luxury. I use it constantly to stay in touch with everyone I need to. Mobile Map Quest is like my new best friend, and I text - therefore I am. There are times, however, when a girl doesn't want to be found. And somehow my husband has developed some sort of radar that detects these instances. Take yesterday for example: I had an appointment with a subcontractor in Bluffdale which took much less time than I had figured it would. There I was, about an hour and a half ahead of my plan for the day. I had answered a text from Tyler not five minutes before the meeting ended, and spoken with him before the meeting began. I figured I had at least an hour before I needed to be heard from again. Ikea beckoned - it was so close - how could I turn my back on it? Plus, I felt extra secure in the knowledge that my reception was shoddy at best once I was safe inside the enormous box-store walls.

I went, needing nothing. All I wanted to do was browse -window shop, if you will. Consider this, measure that. No harm done. Fifteen minutes into my meandering my phone rang - Tyler's ring tone. Do I answer? What if he hears someone on the loud speaker? The echo of my voice on the concrete walls? My loud shoes on the hard floors? 'Don't walk,' I think. 'Minimize the risk of exposure.' So I pick up the phone - more questions about some house detail. I answer quickly and talk a lot trying to block out the store noises. "What?" he said, "you're breaking up". I had moved without realizing it, doing my 'on-the-phone-pace'. "I can't hear you," he continued, "I'll just talk to you when you get back home". Saved by the static. Then, milliseconds away from hanging up, "where are you?". I got out, "Ikea" before the call was dropped. I'm not sure if he heard me or not. I felt nervous and guilty. Why?! I hate feeling like I've been caught doing something naughty because I decided to walk through a store I didn't need anything from.
As luck would have it apparently the texting connections are better than the speaking ones because twenty feet from the spot our call dropped I received, "Why are you in Ikea?" My answer,"A. Because I'm a girl and I have a little time on my hands. B. Because I was right here. C. I REALLY needed to get the dimensions from that craft island we looked at - must have lost them." His response, "Don't spend any money". Yeah, right, like I was going to BUY something. What does he take me for? A girl with time on her hands?

Without the phone would I have been spared the anxiety and guilt, or would I have merely prolonged it? I pondered this question later that night as I watched my husband scan countless cyber-windows of his own: tires, wheels, cars, wakeboards, trees, shrubs. His incessant pursuit of any and everything advertised on the online classifieds mystifies me the same way my self-prescribed 'shopping therapy' mystifies him. Does HE feel anxious or guilt-ridden when I peer over his shoulder? Would he if I called from the other room to ask why he's on KSL?